Anna Gilmer

I wrote a post a few months back called “Coping With Changing Dreams”, all about dealing with the fact that when you are young, you sort through a lot of options. You think you’ve found the one that makes sense, then that one is taken away too. Well, I am now okay with not becoming a doctor (even though, get excited, I’m passing Biology this year). I’ve decided to choose ministry as my full time occupation, until such time I get married and maybe we can do ministry together and I can become a mother and a wife like my mom. I realized this morning, as I read back through my old posts, if I had forced that dream (if I had caved to the expectations I thought I had to meet) I would have never seen that ministry is my whole life anyways, why wouldn’t I pursue it as a career? God gives, and takes away. Sometimes I don’t understand why. Maybe it’s not good for me, or it’s just not in His timing yet. And it hurts. It feels like such an abandonment. But it’s not. It never is. God has the biggest plans for us, and he can’t stand to see us doing anything but what He has for us. I don’t know yet exactly who He wants me to be. But I know ministry has always been in my future, I just couldn’t see it. I know in this part of my life He’s showing me how to lean on him. And I know he won’t ever let go of me, even when it feels like all my dreams are falling apart.

For somewhat my whole life I’ve really wanted to become a doctor. I watched the surgery channel on TV when I was 3, and used a mirror to watch the doctor put stitches in my head when I was four. It also runs in the family, with 2 sisters-in-law in Medical School, and at least 4 medical professionals in my mothers immediate family. It seems like it’s the natural course for me to take. I’ve spent hours and hours on the internet researching schools, specialties, and employment opportunities. It was my plan, it was what I was ready to do with my life. There’s just one problem: I am horrible at biology. Now, we’re not talking “I want A’s, but I get B’s, I must be terrible.” We’re talking, I just dropped the class. In high school. It doesn’t make sense, and I fear it probably never will. 

But there is one thing that is painfully clear to me. Every human being is born with the desire to be successful. I wanted to be a doctor, and I put so much time and effort into making that dream a reality, and now it seems like it’s all slipping away and falling apart at the seams. Does that mean I failed? No. Does it mean God is trying to point me in a different direction? I think so.

What scares me even more, I’m already coming to terms with the fact that this might not where I’m meant to be. It was such a strong passion, and now I’ve already moved on. Was it real to begin with? My God is the God who gives and takes away. I’m beginning to wonder if he removed the dream as if to say “You’re my child. That’s not where I want you. I want you to be so passionate about the life I have for you, you won’t even remember why you wanted to do all those other things that weren’t for me.”

I have a world of opportunities laid out at my feet, in this very moment. My future is in God’s hands, whether I pursue the medical field or not. My life is his, whether I become a doctor, lawyer, or soldier. 2012 is going to be a year for new opportunities, new horizons, and new dreams. And I know that as I take it on with full strength, my God is holding my hand and guiding my path with every step, and for that I am eternally grateful.